by Rana Sinha

Sometimes we form an impression of another person very quickly. Love at first sight is considered very romantic. But hate at first glance is also common. The impressions that we get of the other person stays with us, usually for a long time, sometimes even for a lifetime. We think that we ‘know’ what the other person is like.

How We Learn About New People ?

When meeting new people we can learn about them by the three methods of intuition, empirical verification, or pattern matching. Intuition can be a difficult and unreliable tool. Empirical verification could take a long time and needs much interaction. In pattern matching, an individual takes elements of previous ideas about the new person she/he has heard, seen, or read and applies that to categorize the new person. When pattern matching becomes static and fixed, refusing to react to a changed set of information, it degenerates into prejudices or fixed ideas, which guide us wrongly.

When we meet another person, we form an image, which is but a shadow of the other person. Is the shadow then the other person? The learned Buddhist monk Nāgasena asks the 1st century B.C. Bactrian King Milinda, “Your shadow is now on the ground. Are you the king, or is the shadow the king?” “I am the king, Nāgasena, but the shadow comes into being because of me.” So is it with other people. Surely, they are more than their shadow on us.

Re-evaluate the Other Person – And You Benefit

How often do you question your own impression of another person? By questioning this pattern matching, you challenge your own preconception. This can be very rewarding. When you release the other person from the ‘box’ where you have put her/him, you begin to see entirely new dimension to that person. What was previously annoying could become a source of learning and wonder. Rather than keeping the shadow in mind, you see different and continuously changing aspects of a living human being.

I am on a charity committee with an African mother of a teenage boy. The first time we met, I thought she was very aggressive, dominating and self-centered. Every sentence started with ‘I’, and she shamelessly advanced herself. Being a teacher with strong opinions, I took an instant dislike to her. The next time I saw her, I decided to be brave and question my preconception of her and examine why I disliked her. Then over time, I heard her story and began to see where she came from and the circumstances that shaped her behavior. Fleeing from a civil war, losing part of her family to senseless violence, suffering indignation from unfeeling and even corrupt bureaucrats, constantly being exposed to racism, a messy divorce, and having to cope as a single mother with a teenage son made her assertive. Only by questioning my preconception of her behavior (formed rather quickly on earlier prejudices) could I differentiate between aggressiveness and assertiveness. Now I only wish I could be even half as assertive as her. For me, dislike has become a learning process.

Benefits of Re-evaluating Others

When we have continued our practice of re-evaluating people we interact with for some time, we notice a change in our own mental world. Rather than sink in annoying, frustrating and negative aspects, we begin to see these as opportunities for self-development and growth. When we see the other person in a different light, compassion develops in us.

What does compassion do to us? It slowly replaces the need for and habit of hating, causing harm and wishing ill to other people with a warm and happy feeling that we all belong here. Are you able to make this change in yourself? Yes, you can !!
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Rana is an author and a consultant in Cross-Cultural Interaction, Inter-cultural team-working, Human Resource Development and Management. Of Indian-Finnish origin and having traveled in 85 countries, he lectures in various seminars, institutes and universities like The Helsinki School of Economics. Read his blog at http://originalwavelength.blogspot.com